Struggling for Words

Can’t. Differentiated. Strategy. Abruptly. Fragility. All words I struggle with pronouncing when I speak. People who are really close to me and whom I speak with often know that I struggle saying words and at times explaining certain things. It is often amusing to others. Most of the time it is very playfully and innocent, and I don’t take it personally. There are times when I have had people tell, “Hey, get it right. You are a professional.” It doesn’t get to me most of the time, however there are times when it does. The truth is I struggle with pronouncing words correctly. I struggle with being able to communicate certain things in a way that is understood. I struggle with the meaning of vocabulary words that to some people, I should already know. Finding the right words sometimes to just explain a thought can be frustrating. I have created the habit of even asking people if I make sense. This is one of the reasons why I also journal a lot and write. There have been times I have kept from speaking, thinking "are they going to understand me." The struggle is real for me. It is not just in English but also in Spanish.

This year at school, I experienced a situation I have never experienced before. I had a tough time saying a spelling word in class, when a student out of nowhere said, “If you cannot say the word correctly, why don’t you have some else say it.” Those words shocked my inner core to the point that I had to step out of the room to catch my breath. I literally went to another teacher and just started balling. My heart felt so hurt. At that moment that teacher gave me a hug and all I can say was, “If people only knew how much those comments hurt. This is who I am. I don’t do these things on purpose.” She comforted me. I left her room and went back to my room and continued teaching. As the day continued, I kept holding back from crying. During lunch, I went to talk to our school speech and language teacher. I spoke to her privately in tears. Was there something wrong with me? Do I need speech therapy for articulation? She has known me for a few years so she is very aware of how I communicate. She started to explain several factors that helped me understand more why I struggle the way that I do. She gave me a sense of normality when she told me that I did not need speech therapy. She explained somethings to me and gave me a few tips. I am thankful I could speak to our school’s speech and language therapist. She gave me some helpful tips to put into practice. I remember speaking to one of my dear friends about this last year and she also encouraged me.

I was talking to God and just sharing my heart with him. I am passionate about teaching and at times speaking (though I truly don’t even acknowledge that). As I did, I recalled the story of Moses. I understand how Moses felt when God told him to go and deliver his people. He doubted he could speak well.

Exodus 4:10 (NLT)

But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m just not a good speaker, I never have been, and I’m not now, even after you have spoken to me. I’m clumsy with words.”

I totally get it Moses! I understand the feeling completely. Now remember, Moses was a highly educated man. He was trained as a child the Egyptian ways and wisdom. He was trained with the best in the palace. After years, of being away from Egypt, God ask him to return with the purpose of delivering his people. He had not spoken the Egyptian language for years nor have been part of the culture. What is interesting to me was that his weakness did not make him any less educated nor less a leader. He didn’t feel like he was a good speaker and felt clumsy with words. I can so relate! Thankfully God sent him someone that can help him in this area!

As I spent time with God, I felt the Lord just wrapping his arms around me. His whisper was all I needed! As I sat there, he whispers to my heart, “This is how I fashioned you! Your total dependence is in me. I will speak through you. Don’t allow anyone to sadden your heart. In your weakness, I make you strong.” I sat there and just exhaled deeply as tears streamed down my face. I lifted my face and said, “God if you can do it for Moses, you can do it for me.”

I won’t deny that this week’s situation doesn’t still sting a little, however there is a peace that fills my heart. God, the Creator of the heavens and earth created me with his hands to be who I am supposed to be. He makes me strong in my weaknesses. He loves and understands my heart when I don’t have words to explain. I learned at an early age that everybody processes things differently. Everyone’s brain is wired to work like it was designed to. That doesn’t mean I won’t work in this area because I plan on growing in this area. I know I must continue to work on strengthening this area. However, God doesn’t call me to be perfect. He just wants us to embrace how perfect his love is for us. Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in saying things politically correct and saying things with fancy educated words that we lose the heart of what we are communicating. That within itself, hinders us from truly communicating with the heart of people.

I don’t know what areas you struggle in, but this is one of the areas I struggle with. However, I wanted to just take some time to encourage your heart today. Whatever area you are struggling with, there is hope. I want you to know that if you feel like I did, which was like there is something wrong with me, stop and abandon those thoughts. My friend there is nothing wrong with you! You are fearfully and wonderfully made! We all have struggles and areas that we need to grow in. God fashioned you to be you! Don’t let anyone sadden you because you are different! Jesus loves you! Yes, work at being the best version of you! But just know that God loves you and fashioned you in a certain way! It would be a boring world if we were alike!